I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He passed out mid-signature
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
