Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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