1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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