if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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