Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
