Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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