GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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