new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
