Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
