I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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