Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
