I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
