The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
