I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
