Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
