im six kinds of drunk right now
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
