Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
