When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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