he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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