End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
