____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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