worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
