I'm eating all of the evidence.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize