She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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