I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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