I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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