I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
