so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
