K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
