I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
