Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my shit smells like andre
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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