Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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