I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
