I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
