yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize