There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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