what if every blade of grass was a penis?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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