you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
