i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
