Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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