dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
