i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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