actually, I'm a sock model
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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