I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
