like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
