I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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