Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
