We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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