He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
