Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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