How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
