Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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