I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
