cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
