Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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