I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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