She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
