I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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