My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize